Book of UFies, Chapter 2
Jonathan Norburg, Editor
1 And, lo, it came to pass that there rose up amongst the UFies a cute techie named Jonathan who didst work for a mighty ISP named JPSnet. And Jonathan didst lust a great lust, for he was without companionship. 2 And so Jonathan of JPS didst commence to woo a cute UFie, young Sarah of Oz, saying, “Hey, baby, wanna meet me for coffee at the Brisbane airport?” But she spurned his heartfelt entreaties, saying, “Uh, I’m in Sydney, nowhere near Brisbane.” 3 And, lo, he was agrieved, and gnashed his teeth, and called forth imprecations upon the unkind fates that sundered him from the object of his desire. 4 Whilst Jonathan of the Bay didst continue his flirtatious advances with young Sarah of Oz, he didst also commence to attempt the wooing of Kethryvis of Stockton, saying, “Hey, baby, wanna see my Mac?” To which she replied, “Oh, vile infidel! Thou art mine sworn enemy for thou dost work for a rival ISP. Nay, I shall ne’er lay eyes, nor hands upon thy foul MacIntosh!” 5 And, lo, it came to pass that the flirtatious e-mails of Sarah and Jon didst come to reach great proportions and Mongo did say unto the ListBitch, “Och, Capt’n! The engines kinna take much more! 12. They’re already processing 16,000 messages a day for the list! Ennahmore and my ISP will close doon the list, aye!” 6 And, lo, ListBitch did look out upon the UFie nation and did descry amongst them a great unrest, for many began to abandon the flock, and a single name was upon their lips. Finally, one amongst them cried forth and pointed the Fickle Finger of Fate, saying, “Thou, Sarah of Oz, thou art to blame!” And a great host did rise up against her. 7 And, lo, the forces of Darkness overwhelmed even the staunchest friends of little Sarah of Oz and they shunned her. 8 And there was great lamentations, weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, lo, even amongst the toothless, for they did see their betrayal and were ashamed. 9 And Sarah didst shed tears full bitter upon her keyboard and it didst short out causing a general protection fault upon her screen which triggered a negative hysterisis backflow onto the network, yea unto the mighty server itself, bringing the entire system unto the state of Crash. 10 And a voice saidest unto Sarah, “Arise my child and weep no more, for thy destiny lyeth in land of swimming pools and movie stars. 11 Take thy 386 unto the land fill and dispose of it thereof, pack that which thou holdest dear and journey thereto, for in the Valley of the Shadow of the Apple shalt thou find rest…or maybe a nice duplex in San Jose…”